You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
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I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.