Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
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Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I identify as an antique shop.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”