my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
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Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
*launders Kohls cash*
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.