[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
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My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press