I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.