Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Good morning y’all ☀️
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Festive toon…
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him: