Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye