Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
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Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages