You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall