The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….