Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
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Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun