Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105