My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Message from the dog groomers
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT