HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
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[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Hard not to take this personally
everyone has that one prude friend
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?