My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
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My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Remember folks 😂
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.