I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
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If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?