You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Inside you there are two wolves
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.