“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
You Might Also Like
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.