Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”