*frowns in Scottish*
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I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
termite twitter scares me
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If a snake ate a cake
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Ovenable?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”