to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
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I falcon love using swear birds
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
(Gaming support cat.)
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.