I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.