I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
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boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.