Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*