Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
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[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
PARKOUR
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew