I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
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Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12