Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it