PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
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So, I got banned from the toy store today…
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.