People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?