Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
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Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Golf would be better with landmines.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now