I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
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Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]