Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
#ProTip
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
A Short Story.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
motivation
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.