INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
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13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.