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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???