I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
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*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
just pretend nothing happened
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”