Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
He-man has a Masters degree
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.