The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation