You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?