At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?