Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
You Might Also Like
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Lol
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”