white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.