New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed