My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Hey I worked for it too!
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Finally!
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
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Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
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May your day taste like creamy soup.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.