The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.