“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?