I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
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Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Don’t touch that.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.