Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight