I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
relationship goals
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part