God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.