i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Great game to play with friends
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.